I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
