i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
