dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
