he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
