Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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