You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
