I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
