I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
