Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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