New invention idea: vibrating tampons
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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