I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize