i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
