We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hippo gnu deer
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
