life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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