My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
