Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
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Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.