I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
