Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
