Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
