I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
