This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
God I need to hump something, right now.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
