nut hugger
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Jerry, you need to find god
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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