I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
