dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.