dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
