If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
