Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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