I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
