I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
