4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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