pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
there is puke in my bra ... again
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
