While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
