Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize