Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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