Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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