i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
