Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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