Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
