I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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