I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
