why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
