Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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