yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
