he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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