My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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