what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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