i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
