I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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