her vagina looked like bernie madoff
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
