you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
tell me about the fingering
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