I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
