i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
