i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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