I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
