I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
