i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
