A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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