Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
