go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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